Thursday, August 8, 2013


Ever get into one of those "funks"? You don't know why, or where it came from. Even more frustrating, you don't know how to get out of it. I've been smack-dab in the center of such a funk for months now. I'm sure the root of it all is financial. However, sometimes I just don't want to be around anyone. My kids jump on that last nerve and I end up yelling, or worse, screaming, at them. My beautiful 2 year old baby girl and my handsome and sensitive 5 yr old son. They don't deserve that. I don't deserve them. Sometimes, I just look at them wondering how I got so lucky as to been given them. It's during these mad-moments when I become a she-devil in disguise and send my children running away and causing them to cry.. I just want to run away and do so myself. I'm not sure what's going on with me. Super-PMS? Depression? Overwhelming lifestyle (or lack of)? I dunno. But I know that I do not like it. When I brought it up to my doctor at my yearly physical in January, he suggested yoga. "All I can do is prescribe medication". Helpful, right? So here I am, 8 months later, still feeling like I'm running a marathon underwater, barely treading water emotionally, financially, and mentally... and here I am, trudging on with my life the best I can. I feel so sorry for my family, that has to put up with me. How do I explain to a 5 and 2 yr old what mommy is going thru? I guess I'll just keep putting on my "happy face" for now, keep myself in check when I just feel like screaming, and pray that tomorrow is a better day.
In the meantime.. I've completely fallen off my wagon. First two weeks went decently. I thought I'd lost almost 13 lbs in 2 weeks.. turns out, scale wasn't working correctly. I'd lost 4. I know its better than nothing.. but my body keeps telling me that its not good enough. I can barely walk on my left foot from the pain in my heels. In the morning, I practically crawl around the first few minutes due to the pain being so intense. Painkillers don't come CLOSE to relieving pain. Standing at my 2nd job for 4-6 hours at a time certainly doesn't help. How do you "diet" when you barely have any money for food? I can make food and snacks, but its all based on white flour since that's all I have. I need to find better ways to make cheap snacks, but its just so difficult and depressing. That's all for now. I'm done bringing you all down in the dumps with me. Hope you're having a better day thank I am!

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